one. two. three. breathe

i picked up golf a few summers ago and although i’m not a pro (i’d say i’m a quarter of the way decent) at the game, i enjoy it very much.  brent was the reason i started playing golf.  ha, i think i started to realize if i want to see my boyfriend on a nice day - i had better know how to golf.  needless to say, i personally love playing and i’ve played more this summer than i have in all the years before combined.  there is a course on the cape that i play at more than others and on this course is an evil ravine that stretches wide and long… hole #8… the dreaded.  I can say that for the first time EVER, I managed to drive my ball over the ravine and land on the green… ON MY FIRST DRIVE!  Not only did I land on the green, but I putted my ball into the hole - thus (drumroll please) finishing the #8 with a birdie shot! The sense of accomplishment I felt watching that ball go into the hole was beyond expression but it could have been better - i could have had brent there to see it and to tell me how awesome it was (even though he’s made it over that same ravine, from further away, on multiple ocassions)… he would have been proud of me and he would have said “Yeeeeeeeeeeeesss babe!! Awesome!!”.  My stepmom said how awesome it was but it wasn’t as special.  When I got home on Sunday night, I started cleaning my room and decided that I needed to accomplish one more thing that weekend (mind you, I ran a 5.5 mile race on Saturday… so I was on a roll!).  I reached under my bed and pulled out the dreaded blue shoebox… the shoebox that held every card, every note and every memory on paper that had survived my 6 years with Brent.  I sat there on my bed and read each and every card - some people might say I committed emotional suicide.  I cried but I also smiled… I smiled more than I cried because I was loved for so long and I’m so thankful for that.  I didn’t throw those cards away and maybe it’s because a part of me still believes we will be together but I embraced his written words and closed my eyes… and remembered how wonderful it was and how many hundreds of smiles and laughs we shared together.  I’ll always have those memories and I’m so thankful for that.

there are two people who have been beyond supportive and helpful to me during this healing process and they will never even grasp just how important having them close by has meant to me.  one of the most frustrating things to hear when grieving is that ‘time heals all wounds’ and although i am still not fully healed, i can say that time has in fact helped (albeit a very small amount).  these 2 close friends of mine have a son who suffers from severe depression and bipolar disorder but he is one of the kindest and most caring people i know…

(more to come… after work!)

this past week has been a week of ‘progress’ for me.  for the longest time, i had friends and family telling me that time heals all wounds and everything happens for a reason.  My first response to the cliche’s that were fed to me was to backlash and the immediate action I had was to avoid any phrase that could easily be found in a Hallmark Card under the ‘Sympathy or Coping’ section.  Needless to say, I had dinner with a friend tonight that’s a mutual aquaintance to both me and Brent and I feel “good”.  Obviously, what “good” feels to me now in comparison to what I would profile as “good” a year ago, is much different but nontheless, I had an amazing night.  They say you are who you surround yourself with and tonight, I had dinner with my friend Meg and we laughed and talked and I feel ‘better’.  I truly feel as if someone gets me and understands what I’m going through.  By no means am I ready to drop everything and date someone, but I’m moving a step ahead… on my own… and I’m okay.  I don’t know what the future holds for me or what lies ahead but I do know that I am a great person and I have a lot to offer… a lot that I forgot about because I was insecure and worried for so long… I wish he knew who I really was and what I really stand for.  I have faith in the future and faith in what’s to come.  I’m thankful for having such amazing people in my life; I’m thankful for the smiles I can crack these days and thankful for the hope that lies within… whatever it may be.  goodnight xo

when i was in high school, i took two different photography classes and realized my passion for cameras.  with digital cameras these days, the effort that goes into taking a ‘photo’ is quite simple.  i’ve started taking a class at Mass Art with about 20 or so other students and we were all given (on a loaner basis of course!) a  

everyone keeps saying how strong i am and that everything will be okay but i know that i’ll never have what i had again and unfortunately, i’m finding that i’m not that strong.  i’ve hit the bottom… hard.

so going back to the list of the 10 things i want to do for ME, one of which will definitely be close to the top is ‘living on a budget’ and saving moolah.  now that i’m paying the rent of 2 people… also realizing i need to be on my own and a roommate is out of the question… it’s time to BE FRUGAL!  i am quite proud of myself thus far with the adjustments i have made. :)  (more to come…)

         one of the biggest challenges i’ve been facing through this entire ordeal and complete uprooting of my once very comfortable and loved life, is that everything and everyone was somehow connected to my relationship with brent.  my initial thought when all this happened was to get away from everything - perhaps move or run away to the moon :).  regardless, running away doesn’t solve anything.  we can run and run and run and try everything in our power to surround ourselves with people and environments that we hope will make us ’forget’ what makes us hurt and ‘forget’ about the events that left us devastated - or in my case, completely lost and heartbroken.  I left last week to go visit my family in Florida… a safehouse if you will that was away from Boston and away from the ‘home’ that I shared with Brent.  The truth is, even going miles and miles away from a place that triggers hurt and painful memories, won’t make you forget what happened. Brent was a part of my family as much as I was a part of his.  Once I did get to Florida and saw pictures from the various weddings and vacations we attended together - in each relative’s home,  I realized that this person that left my life wasn’t just leaving me - he was leaving my family.  It actually made me smile to see the impact that this person left on each member of my family - everyone loved him and I was grateful that no one had resentment and no one hid photos because of this ‘guy’ that destroyed my life… he was a part of my family for many years and no matter how much time goes by - he will have left an everlasting impression on each member of my family - no matter how far away they may be.  I’m fortunate to have such a wonderful and close-knit circle of people that care the world about me and in the end… i’m thankful that Brent did make a positive and wonderful impact on each and every one of them.  We can’t run from something that causes us pain but it’s important to remember that if someone you love does leave, it’s a good thing that they leave knowing they made such a positive and true impact on those people that are still in your life… your family, a family they were once a part of and a family that has no regret in sharing years with someone that made you happy and loved.  he is a good person with a good heart and I’m thankful for the memories that he’s left me with… and the memories that he’s shared with my family.  As angry and upset as I want to be with him, Brent was and is an amazing person and I have no regrets about sharing the past 6 years with such an awesome man.

                                                                             Feng shui (/ˌfʌŋˈʃweɪ/  ( listen) fung-shway,^[1] formerly /ˈfʌŋʃuː.i/ fung-shoo-ee;^[2] Chinese: 風水, pronounced [fə́ŋʂwèi]) (or Fung shui) is an ancientChinese system of aesthetics believed to use the laws of both Heaven (astronomy) and Earth (geography) to help one improve life by receiving positiveone of the hardest things about my relationship ending is that brent didn’t just move out of my heart and my life but since we lived together - he moved out of something we created together - our home. memories everywhere and in every room - even with pictures taken down, “he” still very much existed within the walls of what was supposed to be my safe haven… i was determined not to let this breakup affect other aspects of my life like my job and my home- but it did.  i was a weak and pathetic little girl when i opened the door to what was once a place i shared with the most important person in my life; i fell to my knees and started sobbing.  there wasn’t one room i could go in where i wouldn’t see memories of our times together. now, granted, brent moved into ‘my apartment’ but we made it ‘our apartment’ by combining our lives together.  i used to be very particular and you might even say i had a bit of an OCD problem… everything had it’s place, every picture frame had its angle and every pillow had its spot on the bed or the couch - even the glasses in the cabinet were aligned in a row.  once he moved out, i had to change the apartment around to make it ‘mine’ and something that was unique and special just for me.  i was not going to move but i was going to go insane if i didn’t do a little personalization - i needed to ‘laurenize’ my place!  i tried everything - i switched my living room to my study and moved around bedroom furniture but at the end of the day - i ultimately put everything back where it was - that was the only way it worked.  i did manage to change up the bedding and some wall art in the bedrooms and although it’s still a very painful place for me to be (as expected), the few changes did help and no matter how much you try to erase or hide something that once existed, those memories within those walls will always be there and you can’t get rid of them… i’m smiling right now because we had some amazing times together and many laughs and no one can take those special memories from those walls.   

i have a tendency to remember everything - which is good and can also be extremely painful - as I’m dealing with now.  I’ve been reading a lot about exercise and endorphins and how physical activity can reduce anxiety and depression.  let me add that exercise is on my top 10 list of things my Dad suggested i do for me… but the list is in no order yet so we’ll just say it’s on the list ;)  i have a good friend with a blog about the importance of exercise and nutrition and it’s quite motivational and useful: http://keeleyryland.blogspot.com  we know that individuals (mostly women) store experiences and emotions in physical places. in thinking about depression and exercise, it does make sense that exerting engery or activity on our muscles, may help push out old feelings.  i’ve become a lot more active in the past few months i love the way i feel when i get done working out!  i’m trying to do different activities and i’ve always loved yoga but more recently i’ve gotte into bike riding and swimming.  each exercise leaves me feeling a certain way.  when i get done biking, i feel tired and thirsty and my butt hurts but my whole body feels energized and ‘worked’.  yoga leaves me feeling refreshed (and yes, sweaty) but like I’m re-energized and am ready to tackle anything my day throws at me.  swimming is escaping and there is something about being in the water and hiding from the pains and hurt that you might feel when you’re out of the water - when i start to get really sad and cry - i swim.  when i’m done swimming, and i shower, i’m relaxed and my body is ready for me to sleep.  i swim mostly at night for this reason.  now, let me preface this next activity i’ve recently attempted to tackle by stating that i was and still am not a ‘runner’.  brent was the runner and i had always tried to get into it because i saw how good it would make him feel when he got back and heck - i wanted to feel that ‘runners high’ that he got to feel.  well, recently, when i get home from work - my emotions and memories seem to skyrocket.  it’s probably because i still sometimes think that when i get home - he’ll be here or his things will be here - but i come home now and with him not here - i seem to gravitate towards memories and the feelings of being with him - which i can still feel and picture there when i close my eyes or even when i keep them open.  i come home now, put on my running shoes, and just bolt.  i don’t know where i’m going and sometimes i actually have to stop and figure out where i am so i can know how to come home.  i’ve never been able to do this before and i think mostly it’s because i’m running so fast and so hard just trying to run from this pain and hurt from the memories and emotions from my relationship.  i’m running with anger and sadness and i’m sure i’ve looked like a complete lunatic because i start crying on my run… sobbing… but i just keep going.  i don’t go for the ‘runners high’ i go because i’m trying so hard to run as fast as i can away from my past… and for those 30 minutes, i actually believe it just might work.